Soo, we went to my daughter’s fifth grade promotion ceremony recently. If I may brag for but a moment to paint in a little context—but mostly to brag for sure: my daughter was one of a very small number of kids in her grade that made straight A’s all through elementary school, she was on the principal’s honor roll, inducted into the elementary honor society, and received a presidential academic excellence thingy with a congratulatory form letter from the President.
She was beaming and the hubs and I were quite proud.
After the promotion, I was talking with one of the other mothers whose child had been one of the excellent students, when she said with not a small amount of astonishment, “I had no idea your daughter did so well in school.”
Hmmmm. Really? That surprising?
“Well, she is very smart,” I responded pushing down the snark I felt rising within me.
“Oh yes, of course she is, but I had no idea she was so…” and on she went.
I admit I was a little put off by her comment, but by the time I got home, I couldn’t stop giggling about it. I knew she wasn’t actually trying to be insulting. She simply has a small habit of saying what’s in her head without filtering the contents, especially when her child’s achievements are in the mix. It’s one of her more or less endearing qualities.
As delighted as I am by other peoples’ quirks, it’s becoming slightly more difficult these days to not let my snark out. I just can’t tell if it’s that people on the whole are actually becoming more inane or if I’m becoming a grump and just think they are.
In case it’s just me, I totally have an excuse.
I am tired all the time. All. the. time. Every second of every day. Every moment. Every breath. Sometimes when I’m sleeping, I dream about how tired I am—I’m not even exaggerating.
Most of the time, it’s just run-of-the-mill tired and not usually a big deal. It’s manageable and I can pretty much pretend it’s not there and get along with others. But lately…
Lately, overwhelming fatigue is overtaking me. More often than ever before, I am no longer simply tired. I find myself well past fatigued and somewhere on the other side of exhausted. And I hate it. Absolutely hate it.
For years doctors didn’t seem to believe there was anything physical to cause the tiredness I sometimes complained of, so they often suggested I see a counselor, because when the answer is not apparent, it has to be mental, right?
Guess what ya’ll? There is and has been for quite some time a physical reason for my fatigue. A primary symptom of this thing I have that no one knew I had is fatigue. Nothing like being made to feel like what you’re feeling is not real when IT IS! I wonder if I should see a counselor about this.
The good news is there is a promising treatment available which has around a 90 percent cure rate and it probably won’t destroy my kidneys. Oh to be free and clear of this thing in six months! Can you hear the groovy beat in my head and see my dance moves at this hopeful and exciting possibility?
Well, except the $1000-a-day-for-six-months price tag is a hard pill to swallow. The cost might not fit into our teeny tiny budget right now. Or, you know, ever. Unless by some miracle, insurance would actually cover it, which doesn’t seem likely since the insurance hardly seems to cover much of anything anymore. And we have decent insurance.
So yeah, I’m feeling a little snarky. And tired. And tired of feeling tired and snarky.
Because the fatigue has been a little intrusive lately and the prospect of getting relief seems far off, I’ve tried to find ways to help me through when it happens. Here are some things I am learning to do:
- Allow myself to have bad days and try not feel guilty about it. Because I’m not guilty of anything but having a body that doesn’t always work as well as others. Never has and never will, but look at what we’ve accomplished together.
- Don’t feel bad about crying because sometimes it’s just necessary. Crying can be the most cleansing thing around. I do try to keep it private though.
- Make sure to put a time limit on any “woe is me” factor.
- Rest when I need to and sleep if I have to.
- Let my family know when my energy is falling into the abyss, so, hopefully, they’ll learn to be more patient, helpful, accommodating, or whatever.
- Tell God everything that I’m thinking to get it out of my head and into His hands. Besides, it’s not like He doesn’t know how ticked off I can get when I feel limited. And that I sometimes blame Him.
Maybe I should also learn to use my down time to not worry about my worries so much, but to focus a little more on the following: Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness. Colossians 2: 7 (NLT)
Because thankfulness pushes away a critical spirit. Always.
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17: 22 (NIV)