Not too long ago I was skimming through a Bible study that I found in a pile of books. The first question I saw as I perused through it was something along the lines of “How would you handle it if you found out your health was failing?”

Hahahahaha. Seriously?

What would it be like to never think about my health failing?

Can you imagine the freedom?!

Honestly though, do you know how much money we could potentially have if I didn’t have to see doctors and do the medical tests and stuff all the freaking time? I could be, like, a thousandaire.

I’ve had a challenging year and a half or so trying to keep my emotions in check. You see, after happily cruising through the first half of 2022 and feeling rather carefree on the whole, I saw my long-time — somewhere in the 15 years plus range — nephrologist. What an absolute buzzkill he was.

Among my complaints…

• He argued with me about how many working kidneys I have. I was given two kidneys my last transplant. He skeptically looked at my chart and finally admitted I was right. 28 years and counting from the transplant, I’m not making [stuff] up.
• I asked a question. He answered unwillingly as if I was undermining him somehow. What is with the attitude? I am allowed to seek clarity on things I’ve learned or heard, no?
• He said, “You’ve never had a biopsy.”
  “Indeed I have, just two short years ago.”
  “You did?” with another hefty dose of skepticism.
  “Yes, I did.”
  Looks at chart, “Oh… yes, you did.”
  Again, not making [stuff] up. Why would I lie?

Anyway…
The kicker was when he told me I was at 60 percent kidney function. I asked a question, something like, “Huh?” All my other numbers were in the normal range so my brain couldn’t reconcile the competing values. He answered quite dismissively with a shrug of his shoulders, “That’s what the number says.” With no more… anything. No you’re fine. No we’ll keep an eye on this. No explanation of anything. Just “that’s what the number says.”

So many questions went unasked because I didn’t want to deal with his attitude that day. Have I been at this function for a while? Is this brand new? Why is this the first I’m hearing this number? What is happening? Could you at least make it not soooo obvious you don’t care about anything I have to say or ask? Have you considered maybe it’s time for you to retire?

I walked out of his office, breathed in deeply, and let out a very frustrated, “I’m so tired of all this.” I did not respond well at all to this information. I don’t know if you’ve been through any major medical things, but a slight whiff of possible kidney failure sends me spiraling. It took me a bit of time to pick myself up off the ground and dust myself off.

Long story short, I got myself a new nephrologist. My function is stable. I am labeled with chronic kidney disease because I’ve had transplants, not because anything is going wrong. Good information to be told. Nothing to worry about at the moment. Maybe it will stay the same, maybe it’ll eventually lead to end stage renal disease — third time’s the charm, am I right? But at this point in my mind, who knows what, if anything, will happen when? Would it have really been so hard for my former doctor to clarify any of this?

As soon as my emotions calmed down from the whole kidney thing, spring 2023 brought news out-of-the-blue of another possible “I really don’t want to go through this” health scenario — completely unrelated to my kidneys. Whatever is happening is not an issue at the moment, but will require me to get MRIs every six months until it blossoms into something that should be dealt with. Maybe it will stay the same, maybe it won’t. At this point, who knows?

I love living in perpetual maybe it will, maybe it won’t.

No, that’s a lie. I hate it. It’s burdensome.

What would it be like to never think about my health failing again? Clearly, I’d be dead. Though I look forward to trading this old lemon car model equivalent of a human body in for a new one, I still pray, “Not yet, please.”

My emotions hit the skids. Hard.

It’s too much. I’m so tired of all this.

Help Lord.

In the midst of my breakdown, I clearly heard, “Look up. Eyes on me.”

As I walked through my own personal valley of the shadow of death thinking, I finally found solace in the most obvious thing in the world. I’ve known it all along, don’t get me wrong, but I guess I stopped fighting the reality and accepted it — barring a major medical breakthrough or outright miraculous healing, these medical swords of Damocles are my normal everyday life. My kidneys could go, cancer could return, infections could wreak havoc. The world will keep spinning. What to do in the meantime?

During this time of trying to sort through my darker feelings and fears, one particular verse kept infiltrating my thoughts: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2a NIV. Or, I like how the second part of that sentence is written in the NLT “… but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”

My mind could stand to think differently. To perhaps see things from a more eternal perspective.

This is my year of working on that.