Baby Wanted

It was February. I had just gotten off the train and was walking through the parking lot to my car when suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks and said out loud, “I want a baby and I want one now.” I looked around as if someone else was talking. Where did that come from? Though I had always wanted to be a mom, I had never really wanted a baby and was shocked by the sudden, overwhelming desire, but the craving never went away from that moment.

I was young when I first heard a doctor tell my mom that it would be very difficult for me to have children. Of all the things I may have heard any doctor say, that was the one thing that stuck with me. I had health problems growing up, particularly through my teen years. When talking about the future, the doctors made sure to remind me that getting pregnant was out of the question. In my twenties, it remained the same, “We highly discourage you from ever getting pregnant…” The mantra they never stopped repeating.

That all changed when I was about to get married and the doctor said, “Oh yeah, you can have a baby. We’ve had many successes now.” So, now I had medical “permission” and this crazy overwhelming desire, but no baby. After two years of trying, I finally got pregnant, only to miscarry in the first trimester. If that wasn’t painful enough, I walked into church the Sunday after I saw my baby had no heartbeat and on the giant screen were the words, “He gives and takes away.” There was no consolation anywhere.

We considered adopting, but the costs were high and decided we couldn’t afford to go that route. I began going to a fertility specialist and was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. We decided to try artificial insemination and went through one cycle with no success. After we had done all the shots and the time came for the second insemination, the nurse called and spoke clinically with instructions to “have intercourse on Saturday, have intercourse on Sunday, come back Monday morning.” I jokingly countered, “My husband is going to hate this.” She didn’t laugh. Four weeks later, we saw our daughter’s heartbeat for the first time.

Five and a half long years after stopping dead in my tracks in that parking lot, our baby girl was born. She came out of the womb with her eyes wide open, kicking and screaming. To top it off, a little more than a year after she was born, I found out, to my great surprise, that I was pregnant again — another girl.

With the girls at nearly eight and six years of age now, that time of waiting and wondering seems like a lifetime ago. God is so faithful even when we can’t find our way in the pain of our emptiness. He hears our groans. For those of us who love Jesus, He does eventually wipe away all our tears. I think of these things as I go through new times of waiting and wondering, as I hope He won’t make me wait and wonder too long.

May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift our banners up in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.
Psalm 20:4-5

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