The song “Oceans” had been repeating itself non-stop in my head for days on end. It just wouldn’t go away. Thankfully, I like the song enough that it didn’t bother me as much as some other tunes that get stuck in my head.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand
One evening around the same time, my husband came home and said he wasn’t feeling well, a little tightness in his chest. I was in the middle of fixing dinner for the kids, so I didn’t really think much of it at first. I told him to try to relax, see if that helped. “My left arm feels numb.” Wait a minute, tight chest? numb arm? Didn’t I hear that was a sign of… ?
In less than two hours, I was sitting alone in a large, empty waiting room while the doctor worked on my husband, trying to stop the heart attack that was in progress.
After I got in touch with some people to let them know what was going on, worry began setting in and tears were threatening to take over. I can’t go home to the girls and tell them their father has died. I can’t do it. I can’t breathe. Help me breathe.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
Even though I was all by myself, I felt a desperate need for more privacy, so I went into the bathroom. Gasping for breath as panic began to take over, I was too afraid to ask God to spare him. What if He says no?
I’ve had a fear our entire marriage that he would die early. I don’t know why, it’s just been there ever since we got married. I couldn’t pray that God would save him because… what if…? What if it’s his time? I need to face the possibility. I couldn’t bear praying for him to live and then have the doctor come out and say they had done all they could, but…
So I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace,
For I am Yours and You are mine.
So, I did all I ever know to do when I don’t know what to do. Oh God, I don’t even know what to ask You for right now, but whatever You decide, I know You will take care of us. The words came out as I struggled to remind myself that God is good — always. No matter the outcome. As soon as I prayed this, peace began to wrap around me like a warm blanket. Not too long after, my sister arrived to sit with me — utterly convinced that everything was going to be just fine.
Eventually the doctor came out and said it had been very close, but my husband had made it through. His front artery had been completely blocked and his heart beat had started going out of rhythm while they were putting the stents in. We would have to wait to see how badly his heart had been damaged. I could go in and visit him now.
I got home late that night.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.
Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me.
When I finally crawled into bed, still a little revved up by the night’s events, a cloud of darkness began to circle around me. It was as thick and dark as could be. I had stopped being afraid hours before when peace wrapped around me and I didn’t want to give in to any fear again. What’s happening? Jesus help!
I’m here. Look up. I’m right here.
As soon as I looked up, the cloud vanished and peace returned.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Not only did the cloud vanish, the song also ceased its endless repetition in my mind. I can only imagine that somehow it was used to prepare and help me through this one night. To help me focus above the storm.
Two months have passed and the Hubs is still healing, but doing well, and he has recently started back to work. It may sound weird but I’m a little bit thankful for the heart attack — not that I’d ever choose for it to happen, mind you. An averted massive, deadly heart attack tends to put a large dose of perspective into life. How brief our time is here and how everything can change in a moment. Plus, his time off for recovery allowed us to get off the merry-go-round, re-evaluate and see, once again, the things that matter.
May we never forget.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. Psalm 73:26
Hillsong United. Oceans (Where Feet May Fail). Sparrow, 2013.