Did you wonder what happened after the meltdown I wrote about last time? Even though I only wrote a snippet of what came out of my mouth during that time, I can assure you, in piddly human terms, I deserved to be struck by lightning. On the spot.

I was antagonistic and bratty on purpose toward God for days on end until the final purge of emotion let loose. It wasn’t pretty. I rarely act this way and I’m not exactly proud of myself—but at the same time, I kind of am. If there’s one thing I’ve been told all my life, besides “what? I can’t hear you,” it’s that I need to stand up for myself. So I did. To the One who holds all power in His hands.

I felt safe. You?

What did I see when the dam finally broke? That I had been living in fear and didn’t realize the grip it had on me. It was probably all the inching toward a full-blown panic attack that finally gave it away.

My husband had a massive heart attack last year — a fairly traumatic event. He was literally minutes away from dying. It’s a bit of a burden to adjust to the thoughts and changes that go along with an event like that. What if today is the day it happens again and he doesn’t make it? What will I do? Should I get a job now? Should I continue to stay and work freelance from home? What if I make the wrong decision? What if my health takes a turn for the worse? What about our kids?

That, my friends, was only the beginning of the multitude of questions lying within.

I also realized a couple of things that really set me off are feeling trapped and feeling limited. Whether it’s physical, financial or whatever, I am so tired of facing a limitation every time I turn around. I have learned to persevere, as so many of you have, but it gets so tiring after a while. Am I right? All I want is a way out from under, ya know? A little fun in the sun. I’m a summer gal chained to a North Pole life.

These burdens are too heavy for me. You said You’d do this if I did that. I did my part, but You haven’t done what You said You’d do. I can’t carry all this. Help me.

So what happened after all the mouthing off (not sharing that part with you) and arguing and frustration and letting go and putting it all in His hands?

Well….

• My husband got a little bonus. Enough to help pay off our youngest child’s braces. Sweet relief.
• I finally got approval from our health insurance for treatment of this thing I’ve got. Not only did I get approval, I don’t have to sell my family down the river to pay for it. I’ve completed the first month, five months to go. I should know sometime next year if I’m cured or not. Being free and clear would take such a load off my shoulders and, presumably, help me feel better.
• My sister called and offered some gently-used kitchen cabinets they had been holding onto to redo their kitchen with, but circumstances have allowed them to go a different direction. Would I want the cabinets and have my kitchen redone? Are you freaking kidding me? Have you seen my kitchen of despair? One of the ugliest, saddest-looking kitchens ever. I had no hopes of being able to update this area for like, pretty much, ever. With some funds thrown in from my dad and hard work from my brother-in-law and his family, I now have a beautiful, spacious kitchen.

Not bad, eh?

In reality, I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed. I have never felt so humbled in my life. So undeserving of such goodness coming my direction. So very thankful.

In addition, as my perspective continues to turn from woe is me to gratitude, I have slowly moved away from focusing on what we couldn’t do to what actually did happen and I saw why we have no money. When I finally added it all up, I figured out that in the past year, we’ve covered, in some inconceivable way, more than $10,000 in unplanned for expenses—from a new AC/heating system to braces to a new washing machine to car repairs and new tires for the umpteenth time to fixing our oven. How did we do that? No, seriously. There is no way. It doesn’t even seem mathematically possible that we paid for all that. We are not wealthy people. Not even close. Nothing but the miraculous provision of God can explain that. Again, gratitude. Again, overwhelmed.

I’m still eating my humble pie.

Can we start saving money and have some fun now? Never mind, I’ll have another piece of pie. Thank you so much, it’s really quite delicious.

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So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:16 NLT

Interesting side note: the word boldly in that verse is not necessarily what many of us might think it means at first glance. In Greek, the word is parrhesia which means freedom in speaking, unreservedness in speech; openly, frankly, i.e without concealment.